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Movie Review: Twilight (2008)

At least it's fun to write reviews for bad movies.

Instead of doing a typical review for Twilight, I’m just going to list the pros and the cons of the movie.

Pros:

Scenery. The scenes shot in or near the forest look pretty cool. Everything in this movie has a bluish-green look to it that is somewhat unique.

Music, I guess. Neither of these songs are actually in the movie, but it’s thanks to Twilight that these Paramore and Lupe Fiasco songs exist. I guess that’s a plus if you’re a fan of Paramore and Lupe Fiasco (like I am). I realize the Lupe Fiasco song is from the second movie’s soundtrack, but I don’t care. The chances I ever watch and review that movie are slim to none.

…now on to the cons.

Cons:

Kristen Stewart. Before this, I’ve seen two movies with Kristen Stewart in it — Into the Wild and Adventureland. She played a supporting character in Into the Wild and I had no problems with her in that film. I’m not a big fan of Adventureland, but Kristen Stewart wasn’t my problem with that movie either. I’m not just a Kristen Stewart hater, though after watching Twilight it’s really hard not to be one. Her character is probably the most boring protagonist in the history of the universe. She is incredibly dull and nothing she does in this movie makes you think “hey I want to root for this person”.

The possibly even-worse Robert Pattinson. His character of Edward is supposed to be likable in this movie and not creepy, right? Then why is he the creepiest person in the world? Why does he sneak into Bella’s house just to watch her sleep? I’m not making that up. Combine stuff like that with his really weird staring throughout almost all of the movie and you have a guy who should probably be seeing Chris Hansen.

Those are the best two characters in the movie. Seriously, there is no other character in this movie who is developed at all. Jacob the werewolf is here, but  nothing really happens with him in this movie. There are some more vampires, but basically they’re just vampires. There’s absolutely no actual character development for them. Also, what in the world is Anna Kendrick doing in Twilight? Was she blackmailed into doing this?

Speaking of prom…I think the main storyline of this movie is “who’s going to go to prom with who?!!”. They made a ****ing vampire movie with that as the main storyline. There’s essentially no plot in the first 90 minutes, it’s all just staring and a little bit of dialogue. Eventually some evil vampires are thrown in near the end but there’s really no tension because you know there are going to be more Twilight movies after this. Spoiler: the main character is not going to die in the first movie of a series.

It’s a long two hours. This could have been done in 20 minutes. That’s really not an exaggeration. I think half of this movie is just Edward and Bella staring at each other with the look on Edward’s face saying “I am going to kill you”. That type of thing is what attracts Bella to Edward, I guess. When people actually DO speak, it’s pointless conversation about the weather, the length of Bella’s hair, or seat belts.

There’s some unrealistic stuff here. Wait, that’s the stupidest complaint in the world right? This is a vampire movie. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about things like some random guy deciding to go 60 miles per hour in a parking lot. The dude loses control and eventually Edward ends up punching his van so the van doesn’t crush Bella to death, which would have been one of the most satisfying endings I’ve ever seen. Edward saving Bella’s life is what made Edward a villain to me. Another example of the unrealistic-ness is when Bella freaks the **** out because Edward hasn’t been in school for like 3 days. Nobody does that, especially since she does this right in the beginning of the movie when she doesn’t really know who Edward is.

The CGI is awful. There are times where CGI is used to show something like how fast the vampires are. The CGI for these scenes is bad. District 9 cost $30 million to make, Twilight cost $37 million. Anyone who says District 9 has worse CGI than Twilight is lying. It’s not even CLOSE.

Sparkling. Come on, you didn’t think you were going to get through a negative Twilight review without this being mentioned right? The vampires literally sparkle when they go out in light. They aren’t just shiny; it looks like someone shot them with a glitter-filled bazooka. It looks ridiculous.

Final score: 2/10. Apparently, the second Twilight movie is even worse than this. That’s a depressing thought. On the bright side, the RiffTrax for this is hilarious.

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